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AITA?

It always starts the same
Calendar creeps up
Friendship Day
The day everyone posts filters and friendship bands
Inside jokes and perfect group shots
Tagging the world
Except me

And I tell myself
I knew
I always knew this day was coming
And yet
it still sucker punches my ribs like those "harmless jokes"
they made in law school
the ones that drew laughs from crowds
and bruises I couldn't explain

They applauded my pain
called it banter
And I stayed like a fool
Because passion had a price
And I paid it
in silence and sarcasm

We made a club once remember
Built on dreams sweat
And a stupid little fire I carried
like it could warm us all
Till they told me
"Leave"
Because it was easier ofcourse it was a easy shutter 

But I digress

I've got a tectonic friend now
she shifts the earth for others
shares, seeks and askholes with me
And I’ve helped
Hell I've listened
But I never do the opposite 
Because I don't want another me 

Then there’s the new one
The maybe friend
drifting like fog
No ties no texts
No promises
No point

There’s the ride buddy
the sympathy carrier
the one who rides beside me
but never quite gets inside

But why do I pen this ?

An old one called
Didn’t wish me
just needed legal opinions on things
or what freeload could be done 

Another had to substitute me
because her bestie bailed
That bestie
Tied a friendship thread with me 
My soulmate
My ringmate
People say she's stuck with me
but it’s me
who at times wonders if she stayed
because she had no one else to tie the knot with

I don’t keep in touch
It’s not in my blood
I don’t follow up
But don’t call me a liar
I wish the best
really I do
but inside
I'm watching them win
and I’m green
Not the soft leafy kind
I’m bile
I’m rotting envy

But I did well too
Didn't I
I'm still standing
still building
still altering the code of who I am
Bit by aching bit

And yet I like their posts
their stories
their other friends' faces in little hearts and fire emojis
But they didn’t see
that I didn’t post
Because I had no one to post for

Just

It sucks
To look in the mirror
on this sugar coated hashtagged day
and say to myself
"Happy Friendship Day"
Because no one's saying it to me

And I know
I know
It’s not because they forgot
It’s because I think 
I taught them not to

So tell me
Am I the asshole?
For pulling away before they could push
For laughing off the pain before anyone asked if I was okay
For not texting first
For not posting loud enough to be noticed
For holding onto the ache like proof that I once mattered
For wanting more while giving less
For being angry at the silence I built myself
AITA?
Or just someone who forgot how to be a friend
before anyone else did



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